I’m tired tonight. Tired of the nameless face of Fear that has accompanied me almost all of my life. From very early days as a small child at school and on, fear and shame has been an unrelenting and unwanted companion. As I sit here in the quiet of my room tonight, I realize that, while uninvited, it has created a constant and chaotic filter that has mercilessly skewed most of my experiences. And so.. I am tired.
I am exhausted, tired of wondering if I am good enough, am I a good enough friend, a good enough mother, a good daughter, a good girl. I have always wanted to be a “good girl”. Have I done a good job, am I worthy of my relationships? Have I been kind enough, loving enough?
I believe we all know the repercussions of not feeling good enough: feelings of failure, stress, disappointment and sometimes anger result. And so, in an even more tortured endless loop that I’ve managed to create in my mind, I’ve begun to fear failure itself, I fear stress, disappointment and the anger of others when I haven’t measured up.
To some extent, fear has been a catalyst of sorts in my life. It led to some accomplishments, I’ve raised two children who have grown into beautiful young adults, created a blog that I am proud of, I write poetry that is published, I love creating beautiful plates of food for friends and family, learned to play an instrument and have been successful in real estate. Yes, Fear has managed to whip me into a state of frenzied perfectionism.. and yet I know, in my heart that everything beautiful in my life didn’t only originate from a place of fear.
And for tonight- I am so over it.. I’m done with fear.
I’ve been conjecturing that it’s really all about the intent.
When the drive for “perfection” is based on fear, that motivation becomes an unrelenting negative force in one’s life. When the drive is founded in competition and comparison any accomplishment comes at the cost of someone else’s loss.
I think the answer, like everything, is to love yourself as God loves you.
Loving yourself and your beautiful sacred gifts given from a loving God is what this life on earth is about. Seeking, finding and creating with God’s grace is all that has ever been asked of us. Actually, it’s is even simpler than that.. we’ve only been asked to love one another as we love ourselves.
And so if we love ourselves enough, can’t we begin to celebrate the great that was given to every one of us enough to desire to share it with each other?
That’s it. That’s all.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” –2 Timothy 1:7
If we love ourselves and others, we have the intent to create and share with one another. If we awaken to the love of God, we see that he has created unlimited potential in each of us. The ability to raise our children, nurture friendships, write, create music, run a business.. the list is as endless as our dreams.
If we rest our faith in God, then we don’t need to know the outcome. We can rest quiet in:
Setting aside our “need to know” sets in motion room for expansion of both personal growth and creativity. It leaves so much more space for a beautiful awakening to the wonder that is God and everything unimaginable and miraculous that he has already planned. It allows us to live fearless in the present moment. He promises us so much more, why wouldn’t we place our faith in him to lift us up and to take us where we need to go?
** grateful thanks and acknowledgement is given to Amos who has been both a spiritual teacher and the impetus for my writing tonight. Instagram @amosbracewell