Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, 
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, 
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum 
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead 
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead. 
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, 
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West, 
My working week and my Sunday rest, 
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; 
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, 
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun, 
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods; 
For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

W.H. Auden 

This poem’s been running through my mind all day. Calling me to pay attention to it. You might recognize it from Four Weddings and a Funeral. It seems fitting now. Aside from the heartbreaking reality that there are so many families that have lost a loved one, there is also a metaphor to be found here, in the massive loss of what was once our every day lives and the loss of our innocence.

I think we could substitute “he” with “she” and this poem could be about the Earth (sorry for being gender normative):

“She was my North, my South, my East and West, 
My working week and my Sunday rest, 
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; 
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.”

With so much time on our hands there has been a social media inundation of posts all trying to make sense of things, to find the beauty in all of the heaviness and I was caught up in that too.

But I’ve had this feeling all day, you know, that wobbly feeling that comes from an emotion that is simmering just below the surface, wanting to be acknowledged, to be released.

You see.. I did know that I was in the good old days when I was in them and I want my life back, all of it, the ordinary every day mundane and banal: the Monday to Friday 6 am wake up for work alarm, the silly laughter, Higher Ground coffee, small talk, hugs, festivals, hanging with friends anywhere, family dinners, classes, even petty bickering.. all of it, please, I want all of it back. I promise I won’t take it for granted next time.

I am all too aware that life’s been irrevocably changed and it’s short sighted to think this could somehow be different. I know, nothing will ever be the same.

I’m not angry right now (that will probably come later) but I do feel profoundly, intensely sad. For me it feels wrong skipping a step and imagining some brave new world where humanity has finally made sense of it all, is healing and that all will somehow be spectacularly better than before. I’m by no means a pessimist and I hope this becomes our truth.

But, please can everyone just stop and give me a moment to feel this.

It’s so 21st Century of us (including me!) to think we can make everything better just by meditating, doing breath work or by reading a book called “Finding Joy in the Middle of a Pandemic” (I’m sure that’s being written right now).

To be clear, I’m not saying these aren’t effective coping tools…

but all I want to do right now is grieve for all that’s been lost.

It’s an important step, I know because I’ve been here so so many times in my life and all the pretending and rigorous yoga via Instagram Stories isn’t going to help me jump past the important step of grieving,

and I don’t want it to.

This isn’t fear I’m talking about here at all, just sadness for what is a monumental shift. And I think it should be acknowledged, given its due

and grieved.

There’s this loss of innocence, the belief that if we just “coloured inside the lines” or “looked both ways when we crossed the street” that certain outcomes in life could somehow be controlled and others avoided. I think my parents know better, they lived through war and the Depression. I know other cultures, other marginalized groups knew this long before I did.

Don’t worry, when I’m done grieving I’ll put my big girl panties on and start believing in the Kindergarten rules again.

Just give me a moment

and I’ll be right back..

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life –
Learn some and think some
And draw and paint and sing and dance
And play and work everyday some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world,
Watch out for traffic,
Hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.”

Robert Fulgham

Love,

Barbara