It is early hours before dawn as I write, nestled in my privileged life – a darkened room lit by candle’s glow, soft bed and quietly breathing dog by my side. I’ve had a restless night filled with angst and I’ve unexpectedly woken to find myself overwhelmed by the profound sense of my beautiful life on this earth.
After the recent birth of my lovely granddaughter, I feel life’s rhythms stirring again and a strong undercurrent pulls me, inexorably, in a new direction.
I am standing on unfamiliar terrain, at the start of a trail, without a compass.
I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the connections in my life, the friends who have walked with me and, of course, my steadfast family. They have all influenced and enriched my life.
However, along with my joy comes a very surprising and simultaneous sense of grief with the knowledge that change is afoot. I think of my grandparents and great grandparents in the old black and white photo album tucked away downstairs and wonder that I now take their place..
that time is finite and inestimable.
I don’t wish to convey that I am morose, I am content, I have no regrets and all mistakes and past misgivings have been put to rest. But I have always and will always struggle with change and even beautiful beginnings can surprise that they can bring such conflicting emotions.
I know that eventually I will shift, I will ease into this new space in my life, the role of grandmother energy and guide. I have already experienced the joy of encouraging my daughter to trust her intuition and mother’s knowing and watched her quickly blossom and fall into a natural rhythm with her daughter.
After all, my daughter and granddaughter come from a long line of strong women, women who were loving and courageous, carving out a life where they made a difference at a time when women were taught to be less than. I feel great joy knowing that this beautiful little one is going to shake up our world with her gentle wisdom and her own strength.
I have navigated change before and become wiser and stronger for it and I will do this again.
But just give me a moment.. to take in all of this ephemeral beauty.
